December 2008 The Daily Angst"All the news that's depressing to print" Weather: Gloomy and miserable


WORLD POPULATION DOOMED

According to recent studies the entire population of the world is on a path to extinction. Dr. Malcolm Butts, head of Morbid Anthropology at the University of Livingston, explained further:

"As frightening as it sounds, less than 95 percent of the world's human inhabitants will live to see the age of 95, and those that do survive that long will last no longer than another decade or two."

Although the recent study has produced alarming statistics on the subject, Dr. Butts claims that previous studies have been more pessimistic in their results.

"According to the University of Skokie's study in 2006, it was estimated that no more than 50 percent of the world's population would reach the age of 85. One could say this change is due to improvement in our overall quality of life, but this would only apply to a small proportion of the population. Obviously thousands of people are currently dying of [CONTINUED ON PAGE 4]

SUICIDE THWARTED BY CREDIT CRUNCH

A North London man has blamed the current economic situation on his failure to end his own life. Standing outside the West Northwest Hospital Malcolm Butts, 47, of Floosbury Park, broke down in tears as he related his story.

"I lost a lot of money this year, all my savings, and as a result I lost my job, my wife, and my house. Things got so bad I went to the DIY shop to buy some rope to hang myself, but the prices they were charging were astonishing. So I decided to jump off the nearest bridge, but I couldn't get close because of the traffic congestion due to some roadworks which had stalled because the workers were all made redundant. I'd take an overdose of something, but my local doctor's surgery and chemist have closed down because of government cuts in [CONTINUED ON PAGE 57]

EVERYONE ABUSED AS CHILDREN

The results of a massive research project conducted by a global consortium of psychologists, psychiatrists, physicians, and forensic experts show that every person on the planet was sexually, psychologically, or emotionally abused as a child. The findings were revealed at the annual meeting of Psycho Professionals International in Rmsvgäard, Sweden.

"In the study we used a wide range of individuals of all nationalities and from all walks of life," explained Dr. Malcolm Butts, the psychobabbologist in charge of the research. "In each case we interviewed the subject at chosen intervals using the same windowless interview room, set of questions, flashing lights, and hypnotic techniques to induce relaxation. And in 99 percent of the cases after each individual was fully interviewed in ten 24-hour sessions, we ended up with the same results: that the individual under interrogation had indeed been sexually molested, emotionally abused, or abandoned in a shopping mall by [CONTINUED ON PAGE 8]

ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST EXPANDS

The number of plant and animal species on the Endangered list has been updated to include 85 percent of the earth's flora and fauna, according to Dr Malcolm Butts of La Verne University. Although the ultimate extinction of many species is normal, the rapid escalation of the Endangered list is blamed mainly on mankind.

"Not only are we methodically wiping out the rain forests and all the species within, but our increasing dependence on plastics, nanotechnology, and wireless communications is rapidly creating a toxi global environment in which most of the better known species simply cannot survive for much longer. For instance, in the next 5 to 10 years we shall witness the extinction of the jackrabbit, the chipmunk, the Douglas fir, the canary, the domestic dog, the domestic cat, the Holstein cow, the privet, and all forms of sea life. In no more than 50 years we are looking at a world inhabited solely by cockroaches, Gila monsters, molds, Bermuda grass, and call centre managers. If we don't [CONTINUED ON PAGE 449]

EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER

After an exhaustive study by Stanford University on carcinogens in the environment, experts have determined that the primary triggers for the most common cancers are food, water, and air. In the case of breast and prostate cancer, it has been shown that the simple digestion of nutrients, ingestion of fluids, and respiration of non-toxic air are enough to trigger metastasis.

"Mobile phones and microwave ovens have always been suspect," explains Head of Biochemistry Malcolm Butts. "But even static electricity is dangerous enough to trigger aggressive adenocarcinomas. If an individual wants to protect themselves from dying prematurely, they must learn to live without many of the luxuries with which they have become accustomed such as hot meals, cold water, and fresh air. Even such habits as wearing clothing and bathing regularly have been shown to alter normal cells in [CONTINUED ON PAGE 35]

DISNEY EMPIRES BLOWN UP IN TERRORIST ATTACKS

In the third related attack in the past week, the Eurodisney theme park outside Paris was the scene of massive explosions early this morning believed to have been caused by terrorists. As the death toll continues to rise, Disney officials estimate that most of the park and its facilities have been destroyed beyond repair.

"This is definitely related to the horrific attacks on Disneyland in California last Tuesday and on Disneyworld in Florida only 2 days ago," said Disney press secretary Malcolm Butts. "We are working together with police and security forces at the 3 sites to determine who is responsible for destroying the 'happiest places on Earth'. Whoever is responsible will be captured and punished. We will not stop until [CONTINUED ON PAGE 597]


ASIA DESTROYED BY FLOODS

Excessive rainfall in most parts of Asia has led to massive flooding, washing out thousands of roads and bridges and carrying vehicles and houses away in raging currents. Rescue operations are underway to reach those stranded on rooftops and in trees. Malcolm Butts, a Brit who was on holiday with his family in Bangkok, described the events:

"We were sitting in the hotel restaurant having our breakfast and trying to decide what we were going to do because it was raining way too hard for any sightseeing. And then my son pointed to a school of fish swimming past our window, and we watched as the water starting to gush into the room. That's when we knew it was serious."

The flooding has hit hardest some of the same areas of Southeast Asia affected by the Boxing Day tsunami of 2005. In addition the flooding has spread inland, destroying cities, towns and villages all over [CONTINUED ON PAGE 187]

BRITAIN'S LABOUR FORCE MADE REDUNDANT

Due to aggressive expenditure cutting by top industries, 99 percent of the UK's employed workers will find themselves unemployed by January.

"This will make the queues at the Job Centre unbearable," complained Malcolm Butts, a soon-to-be-ex-call centre advisor from Little Farting, West Sussex. "We'll all have to camp outside on Friday night in order to get inside by Monday morning. I'd go buy some camping supplies so I could just camp out all week, but I can't justify the expenditure now that I'm going to be unemployed. I guess we'll all just have to adjust somehow and get used to living on nothing. Maybe this is the time for me to move into a cave and live on raw meat [CONTINUED ON PAGE 1,248]